I don't remember things.
Well, I remember things. I can remember certain facts, I can remember certain stories, I can remember appointments... sometimes ;)
But I also forget a lot of things. Like old times. How things were. Every year of my life has seemed so different from the last, even though they, at the same time, may seem the same. It's like that quote from high school English "the more things change, the more they stay the same" makes a little more sense to me now. (See, I remember that!)
My point is I remember feelings. I am a feelings person. I always have been.
My feelings guide me.
They are what I remember.
As I'm beginning to type this, I'm recognizing just how true that is, because I was about to type about a time I was feeling down for not being able to remember inside jokes or details of something the same way a close friend of mine could. It's not to say I didn't value our friendship the same. And I hated the idea that this friend might think I didn't care because I couldn't remember. Maybe I forgot the bits and pieces, but the whole picture of who this friend is and how our relationship was/is was clear to me.
Being driven by feelings certainly has it's ups and downs.
On the positive, I think it has allowed me to live in the moment. To go with my gut.
Interestingly on the contrast, when I'm not in the present moment, it's the negative feelings that start flooding in...
I guess what made me finally sit down to write again is that I have been analysing a lot of feelings lately. I'm really becoming more clear on what brings me joy and what brings me down. Writing is one of the happy things... and it gets put off for a number of reasons.
The tipping point was this week when Autumn turned 2.
I decided to read her birth story.
I mean of course I remember that day. But it was so interesting to read it two years later. It gave me thoughts that seemed like I was reading it for the first time. Partly because my voice has changed, partly because it has been two years and partly I really did forget the details!
It left me feeling overwhelmingly grateful to have written our story down.
It left me feeling overwhelmingly motivated to document our life in the form of stories, again...
These dear diary posts of mine may not be the top read. In fact, I know many of you are here for the weekend updates and cute photos ;). But boy does reading a story of a life changing memory bring out the feelings.
So for those of you who are reading this, what stories have you written down?
Honestly, it doesn't even have to be the life changing moments. It could be the simple things. After all, it's those things that may really be the big things in the end. It's the little things because the little things are the ones that make you feel the feelings. And the feelings are the things worth remembering, at least to me.
Ultimately sharing our stories this way has given me perspective that it's not about others, it's about what writing does for me. Writing helps me capture the present and move through it at the same time. It's a similar high I get from running, too, that I honestly had no intention of getting, but I love that it has become that. Writing, and running, are a sort of guidance.
I may not need to remember things. All I need to do is start writing. All I need to do is put one foot in front of the other. It's that simple and the results: amazing.
PS. Here's Autumn's 1st Birthday Photos if you really want to take 'a look back.'