When I was pregnant with Jordan I became so clear on what I wanted for my future. As I was growing my baby I was growing myself. I was preparing for a rebirth of sorts. It was as though I was unlocking my true self. Clear on who I was in the moment, in my role as mama, but also ready to live out my dreams that extend beyond motherhood. I was consistently journaling, pushing my comfort zone and manifesting baby steps towards the things I wanted in life. It was really cool.
Then Jordan was born. His birth gave me an overwhelming joy and peace towards this new chapter. I was ready. I was confident in my mama skills and determined to "make best use" of my maternity time... that is to say, this was 'my chance!' The time when I'm not working a formal job and plan to turn my hobbies and passions in to something more.
To write more and grow this blog...
To share my favourite wellness tools...
To create community for mamas...
To inspire others to design a life they love...
The list goes on. In fact I have a whole journal full of ideas to prove it.
But then it hit me. Not in an I'm-being-hard -on-myself kinda way, cause we all know mothering ain't easy... Especially with a newborn, two big sisters, two big dogs, family away, LIFE...
It was overwhelm, anxiety, sadness, rage...
Like a failure in one of my biggest roles: mama.
I was so clear on my hopes, but I felt oh so lost.
Days became one at a time, seeking joy in the little moments and trying to simply focus on my kids.
I thought maybe this is the season to just be there for them. If I get better at being the mom I "used to be," (the confident, calm one,) then maybe I would find my groove again and get back to my goals. Or, maybe just really love on my kids and put my dreams aside.
And, don't get me wrong, the last five months (yep, he's 5 months!) have been filled with so many wonderful moments and memories. And I know there's no such thing as the mom I used to be - it's still me! - but that's how it's felt. I'm pushing the guilt down as I type because deep down I know I'm an awesome mom. (See THIS post <3) I know the fun we've had and I know these times, easy and hard, were ALL worth it. I know now these moments are just the past... and the future is bright.
But what happened in the last few months was me losing the habits that had lead me to be that higher version of myself.
My exercising slowed down. My eating wasn't as healthy. I stopped using my oils and supplements consistently. My journal wasn't being filled nearly as often. I simply didn't make the time for the things that helped me feel my best. And on top of it, was doubting my skills as a mama, the thing that has been my biggest role in the last five years...
How could I be the best version of me?
I know what you'll say. If you're reading this, chances are you're telling me it's okay. You might say you're doing great - you have a new baby! Your kids are what's important right now.
You, my friend, are very kind.
But would you be as kind to yourself?
Would you give YOURSELF that grace?
Maybe you've found yourself in similar situations where you feel limited and you're faced with hard thoughts like mine. Times where you want more for your life. Times where you just feel stuck where you are.
Feeling stuck makes it hard to know where to start sometimes.
It brings added negative emotions simply choosing to stay stuck.
It's been hard for me to just write something even though I know I want to. That doesn't even make sense!!! How can it be hard to something you want to do?! But it happens! ALL. The. Time. With everything in our life.
How come it was so hard to start exercising again when it's something I loved and helped me FEEL so good?
It all starts with the choice. It all starts with a step.
It was time to get out of my head, out of my own way, and overanalyzing of the season I'm in, and just start a new one!
The days might not all go as I hope, or plan, but with vision and faith for what I want them to be, I believe I can find myself back at that place I was when I was pregnant.
Actually, it won't be back there, it will be better.
It will be more.
Because all that life is really about is growing. Every moment is experience.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
I think I just came up with my new mantra for this phase. It's all good...
What's to come is all good.
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